I have pulled my back out. "How?" you ask. Because I am stressed. There I said it. I am STRESSED.
Before you remind me that I am "too blessed to be stressed," let me finish. These are stressful days. I have not worked a full-time job in 31 years. For 20 years I have been teaching a weekly Bible study that I invested serious time in preparation and studying and writing my own Bible studies for the moms. It was not usual for me to invest 14-20 hours to prepare my message and write the study. But this was (and still is) a love gift between and the Lord and the sweet mommas I got to teach. Now I am working full-time in my own ministry.
In 2005 I started publishing my Bible studies and producing accompanying DVDs. And I started up a business to handle my book sales and speaking ministry. My dear friend Ray started working for me 4 days a week. Mr. Stockdale also came to work for me part-time, turning the day-to-day operations for his business, Pine Grove Farm and Landscape, over to our boys in order to help with my ministry. Between Dec. 2005 and June 2009 I wrote 7 Bible studies, published them, produced the DVDs, and taught my moms Bible study each week. The pace has been frantic, but frankly being shut up with the Lord in my little attic office to write and study 10-12 hours a day . . . well, it is quite a gift and a great gig to boot!!
In November 2009 our little ministry, Standing Near the Cross Ministries, qualified for non-profit status. We praise the Lord for that kindness. It is not easy to come by and required jumping through a few 100 hoops, a tax attorney, and a lawyer. But I digress. With this move has come tons of paper work, many business decisions, and a new level of pressure. And frankly, on Saturday all that stress settled in my back as we plotted out the plans for this ministry in the upcoming year. I love to teach and I love to study and write. But I DO NOT like the business end that is attached to it!! It does not seem one bit holy to me!
So there I said it. I am STRESSED. I love the Lord Jesus Christ and I am totally sold out to Christ and His kingdom. And I am STRESSED. That's right. You heard me. Stressed I said.
In the Christian community we like to spiritualize everything. No one enjoys that occupation more than I do. But I am reminded we often reduce Christians to cardboard cut-outs. We like to "make a good showing." We like to pretend that at times we are not totally confused about what God is doing in our lives, or how He is going to resolve an issue, or just plain irritated. And heaven forbid if you mention you are feeling stressed. Most will respond with a list of verses to shame you into acknowledging your human frailties.
So, I thought I would debunk that myth. I do not make an exception for ailments that are the result of sin. That is not what I am talking about. I am talking about admitting to a physical body that sometimes shows our human condition. It is flawed. We have this treasure in earthen vessels. And at time those vessels crack and crumble. But our flawed humanity is exactly why Jesus came and died for His lost creation. I for one am exceedingly grateful.
I know my God is BIG. This stress is not the result of faltering faith. This is not rebellion, although I often have to wrestle with that issue. This is not sin. This is what faith-walking looks like. At times, it is not pretty. At time it is even stressful. And at times my "spirit man" can no longer cope and it is forced to roll the stress over into my "physical man." And my physical body responds with a ball of tension in my back. As I treat my physical pain, my spirit will once again take over and allow me to rise above the downward pull of the tension created by living in this fallen world. Until then, I am walking funny. I am still Standing Near the Cross, but I am standing at an odd angle!
So with the risk of being misunderstood, I am STRESSED. But I willl get past it. God willl speak. God willl act or God will grant the extraordinary grace that He alone provides. And then I won't be STRESSED I hope to soon be eating DESSERTS.
Blessings.
